Parents moving to separate households in a Dissolution (divorce) or Legal Separation face numerous decisions and challenges in a changing and stressful situation. The court can provide an order regarding the days and times for each parent to pick up and drop off the children, but has limited funding for parent education and mediation services, and even less for therapy. If parents are educated regarding planning to make the transition from one to two homes, they may be much better able to adapt to their new lives, minimize harm to the children, and maintain amicable relations with each other. This education can be fostered by private mediators and family therapists.

California Family Law courts recognize the importance of cooperation between parents for post-separation child care and child rearing. For that reason, court rules require parents to attend a 3-hour video, lecture, and a Q&A session called "Parents and Children Together" (PACT), which is held at the courthouse in the evening. A booklet entitled "Focus on the Child’s Needs" is also made available for parents. Then, before a hearing can be held regarding "Custody and Visitation"  (sharing of time with their children), the parents must participate in a mediation session with a court-employed mediator. Due to the volume of cases, this mediation is necessarily brief and mainly oriented toward obtaining the signatures of both parties on one of the standardized plans with minimal modifications.

If both parents sign, the plan becomes the order of the court. If not, then the parties go to court for a brief hearing in front of the Judicial Officer, who enters his/her temporary order regarding Custody and Visitation after hearing arguments from both parents, or their attorneys. Although the Custody and Visitation order is temporary, it is not likely to be changed, absent a major change of circumstances, as the law favors maintaining the routine to which the children have become accustomed.

Instead of depending on the court system, parents may develop their own Parenting Plan. Whether the plan is written in private mediation or in unassisted negotiations between the parents, it will very likely be approved without question by the court, unless it is contrary to the best interests of the children. An excellent book that can be of great help to parents, especially those who have the time and motivation to implement its recommendations is Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.

Dr. Ricci suggests putting short term decisions into an informal written "private" agreement, to get through the initial crisis period, putting off the writing of the long term and legally binding co-parenting plan. A written agreement can end the agonizing period of indecision or changing positions. She says that the parents should write down a schedule for one-to-two months, at least on a calendar, which both parents sign and which is posted in both homes. Simple rules to be used in both homes can also be posted with the calendar. As developed by experience, further provisions can be added. Ultimately, the parents can incorporate this private co-parenting plan into the Marital Settlement Agreement, which is filed with the court as part of the Judgment of Dissolution or Legal Separation.

Dr. Ricci advises a two- to six-week trial period before signing the final agreement, especially where there are young children. She recommends that the co-parenting planning should be positively phrased and written in language that the children can understand. It should be clear and detailed regarding time with the children, and should contain provisions for resolving future disagreements and for evaluation at regular intervals. It may also provide "teeth" for enforcement, and for provisions for trading times and for considering older children’s opinions.

A chapter entitled "Parenting Plans and Agreements: the Basic Elements" includes a comprehensive list of various subjects that may be included in the plan, including a "Preamble," where the parents can state their parental values and intentions. This is important to children as they get older, Dr. Ricci says, to appreciate how their parents valued them and pledged to work together for their best interests.

Dr. Ricci’s new book, Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids, is written for children in divorce age 10 or older. It provides insights, explanations, and encouragement in terms children can understand.  It is recommended for reading as the child feels the need or the interest, and without parental pressure.  Parents can also read it, separately, or together with the kids.

Another source of valuable ideas for divorcing parents can be found in the brochures published by the AFCC. Some of the guidelines and ideas in AFCC brochures are quoted below. Copies of the entire brochures may be purchased from the AFCC at or obtained free of charge from . One of the brochures, Joint Custody and Shared Parenting starts with this important thought to consider: "An unworkable marriage does not necessarily result in an unworkable parenting relationship." Another AFCC brochure, Making Your Parenting Plan Work, advises parents:

• ". . . give your children specific information about what will happen next. . . .Sit down with your children, together if possible, and discuss your plans for parenting."
• "Do your best to treat the other parent in a courteous manner. . . . Never ask your children to pass messages back and forth."
• ". . . children should not be brought into conflicts over money, nor used as a bargaining chip."
• "Children benefit from stability . . . put a parenting schedule in place as quickly as possible after separation."
• "It is important to consider school and work schedules and other activities when planning your parenting schedule."

The brochure gives guidelines for parents of different ages: infants, toddlers, preschoolers, school-aged, early adolescents, and teenagers. Tips are then given for making the parenting plan work, including the use of therapy where needed. The parents are urged to: 

• "Comply with the parenting plan even if you feel that the other parent is not doing so."
• "Arrange for counseling if emotional or behavioral problems continue."
• Be aware of children using the situation to get time or a toy they want. "It is not helpful to compete with the other parent for the children’s love . . . Constructive discipline and a consistent presence will . . . teach your children responsibility."
• ". . . seek support if you are having trouble accepting the changes accompanying the end of a relationship."
• ". . . if my children say they don’t want to spend time with the other parent . . . Sometimes counseling for the children and parents can be helpful."
• "If your parenting plan has been filed with the court, it may be enforced by the court."  (underlining added)

An AFCC brochure, entitled Parents are Forever, cautions that:

• "Both parents must make every attempt to continue their vital role in their children’s lives."
• "If you are like most people who are dealing with separation or divorce, you have feelings of isolation, despair, depression, loneliness, grief and guilt, and a decrease in self-confidence. . . . How you cope with your separation or divorce will largely determine how your children cope."

Suggestions for parents include:

• "Be direct and simple . . . The worst course is hushing things up and making the children feel they must not talk or think about what is happening."
• "Assure your children they are not to blame . . . especially young ones."
• "Tell your children that your relationship as their parents can never be taken away."
• "Support your children’s relationship with the other parent regardless of your personal feelings; this is difficult but necessary for your children’s healthy development."
• "Cooperate and communicate with your former partner about the children."
• "Be consistent with discipline, even if you feel guilty about the . . . divorce. . . . Children feel more secure when limits are set and respected."
• "Give your children a simple explanation of the financial situation and the changes to expect without blaming the other parent."

The brochure goes on to point out that:

• "Asking for help is a sign of strength . . . It takes courage to say, ‘I have a problem I need help with.’ Counselors . . . give direction to the search for solutions. . . . Those who reach for professional help in times of crises are more likely to find effective and permanent solutions in a shorter time."  (underlining added)

Divorcing Parents in the process of establishing two separate homes for their child(ren) need to develop a workable co-parenting agreement. A family law mediator or marriage and family therapist can recommend helpful books and other publications, such as those referred to above, and can provide encouragement to clients, and provide them with further guidance as needed.

For additional copies of this article or of any of the referenced AFCC brochures, please contact our office.